Defenses are
what we use to defend ourselves from any thing,
which frightens us or challenges our sense of
control. We all use them, and if we didn’t,
we would be entirely vulnerable to any person,
place or thing, which happened to come our way.
However, too much of a good thing becomes a problem
if it impairs our sense of reality, or communication,
or ability to cope with life on life’s terms.
Just as we can use defenses to protect us from
legitimate fears, we can also use defenses to
defend actions, beliefs, or lifestyle choices
that harm others or ourselves. An example would
be the alcoholic who defends his drinking by saying,
“I drink because my wife nags me all the
time, and I have to drink to deal with her.”
FACT: THERE IS AN ELEPHANT
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
- DENIAL - there is no elephant in the living
room
- MINIMIZATION - there is an elephant, but
it’s just a small elephant
- RATIONALIZING---well, yes, there’s
an elephant, but having an elephant in the
living room may not be all bad. Elephants
keep away tigers, for example.
- PROJECTION - it’s YOUR fault that
there’s an elephant in the living room.
You set this up to get me in trouble with
the CPS worker.
- INTELLECTUALIZING - Let’s talk about
just why this particular elephant came to
be in this particular room. There is certainly
a logical explanation.
- JOKING/HUMOR - Whoa, hey! This reminds me
-- have you heard the one about the elephant
walking into a bar?
- ANGER/THREATENING/DOMINATING - you can’t
talk to me like that in my house --what are
you, trying to start trouble? Who asked you
here anyway?
- PLEASING/ACCOMODATING - pay no attention
to that elephant over there, ok? Let me get
you some cookies and milk. Tell me more about
yourself.
- AVOIDANCE - elephant? Oh yeah, I gotta get
going. Bye.
- OVERCONFIDENCE - elephant? I can handle
any elephant that comes along.
- BEING A VICTIM - Oh, no, don’t talk
about elephants -- it’s too scary. Listen,
I’ve had a really horrible day.
|
Marriage
& Relationships
