Why do families who love each other cause their members so much pain? There are several reasons.

We revert to childhood roles and childhood rules
The independent wife, mother and career woman resumes her role as the "pretty, shallow one" of her high school days. The family dredges up the past of the "screw-up" even though he has become a responsible happy member of society. Heaven forbid that any of the others should try to take over as the "smart one." That place is already assigned!

Families have an unspoken stake in keeping things as they have always been. In addition to roles each family has unspoken rules about behavior. Maybe it's that the women help with the dishes while the men watch football. Mom and Dad feel you give your children too much independence. "In our day" children never disagreed with their parents.

Parents and siblings often fight the new rules that adult children have made for their own life
Parents feel comfortable in expressing opinions on jobs, decisions, money management and parenting skills of their adult children. Children who have chosen not to have kids, who are gay or lesbian, or who have chosen not to marry are especially threatening to the family status quo.

Adult children feel their independence threatened
Going home seems to be going back to being a child. "All my adulthood seems to have disappeared and I'm about ten again," said Mike.

Going home may be a trip back into family dysfunction
For the adult who grew up in an abusive, alcoholic or drug using home, going home for the holidays may a return to a nightmare.

We romanticize the holiday experience
Glossy magazine and romantic TV advertisements present a romantic picture of a holiday many people have not ever experienced. The media creates expectations that real families can't possibly live up to. Often we become angry at ourselves for not creating that wonderful holiday or create January financial stress trying to buy all the holiday goodies we've seen advertised.

Setting boundaries will help you maintain your adulthood and independence. Rehearse setting boundaries before the visit. Discuss your boundaries and values with your partner. Pick your battles. Decide in advance what is important and what can be let go.

Spend time during the holidays with your partner and children. Create family traditions. Putting up the tree, a caroling party, religious services, and creating decorations are only a few examples. Your children will remember those family times.

Eat healthy foods and exercise. Maintain your energy and emotional health by keeping your usual habits. Make holiday goodies an addition, not a substitute for balanced healthy eating and moderate exercise.

Give to others. Introduce your family to the emotional rewards of giving. Take advantage of the many opportunities to give to other people and families during the holiday season. Consider making giving a year-round family activity.

If all else fails, consider a "family of choice." If emotional adulthood is impossible in your birth family, or if your birth family is far away, consider a chosen family of others who are alone.

The kind of holiday that your family will have is a matter of consciously choosing healthy experiences as the basis of your holiday celebration.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!