For many of us it's when we have to answer this question that we really begin to look at how love can stink: How out of control and unmanageable has your life become around the idea of being in love?

It means realizing that your relationship is negatively affecting your health and emotional well-being, and yet finding yourself unable to let go. It means measuring the degree of your love by the depth of your pain.

Whether you have endured a long and difficult relationship with one person, or have been involved in a series of unhappy partnerships, love addicts share a common profile.

We go searching for the "perfect" mate and end up finding an unloving partner instead; we have difficulty ending relationships even though they are not meeting our needs; and our yearning to love and be loved can easily become an obsession.

Loving addictively is a pattern learned early and practiced well. To give it up will be frightening and challenging.

Love Addiction is actually made up of 2 parts: Romance Addiction and Relationship Addiction.

In general, Romance Addiction deals with fantasy while Relationship Addiction deals with the concept of attachment.

These 2 parts can coexist with each other causing incredible pain and unmanageability in the life of someone who desperately wants (relationship=security) what they can never truly accept because they need (romance=excitement).

CHARACTERISTICS

1. Image Management: "How Do I Look?"
   As Billy Crystal says in his portrayal of Fernando, "It is better to look good than to feel good." Since romance addicts fear being unlovable at the core, they hide who they really are. They manage their image and control other's impressions through:
   
   Editing Information. Romance addicts bank on perfectionism... looking good, saying the right thing and being in the right place at the right time. They will filter out unflattering personal information or even tell outright lies about who they are or what they have done. ("I've been an undercover operative for the CIA for the past 5 years.") Or, they may solicit pity by talking about their "miserable past".
   
   Pseudo-Relationship Skills. They might look like they are listening, sharing feelings, being there and paying attention. But, these are really control and manipulation tactics used to seduce their partner's interest and admiration.
   
   
2. "How Do We Look?"
   Romance addicts don't want to know their mate, they want to look good with them. Physical attraction (sometimes referred to as " that spark") overrides honesty, respect and friendship. A good-looking exterior can blind the romance addict to glaring character flaws.
   
   The illusion of the experience is more important than the experience itself. They are more concerned with the setting than with the person (flowers, music, candlelight, exotic places). These things are wonderful and desirable, but romance addicts could plug almost anyone into these settings and be equally happy.
   
   
3. Love At First Sight
   Romance addicts are always ready for instant intimacy. They start talking about soul mates and destiny after the first date. They say they must have known him in a former life.
   
   A woman I know says that her experience in Al Anon has taught her that she could enter a room full of 50 men and be devastatingly attracted to the one alcoholic in the room. "He's the exciting one." She feels like she's known him all her life...and in a way, she has.
   
   
4. Escape Artistry
   Romance addicts are escape artists. Some have incredible fantasy worlds constructed in their imagination. They learned long ago that they can "leave the scene" while staying in the room. But now the fantasizing and daydreaming are compulsive. The fantasies override work, socializing or real relationships.
   
   The escapism may not stop with fantasizing. Political activists can actually be romance addicts who use their cause as a lover. And, if you will allow, some Americans are particularly attracted to churches or religions that offer the idea of escape from life's painful suffering...with the danger that parishioners will be willing to drink tainted Kool-Aid in order to hasten the beginning of a "better life".
   
   
5. Grass is Greener Syndrome
   The here and now is not enough in relationships, friendship, jobs. They are rarely happy with what they have... success and happiness are elsewhere or in the future. Whatever is currently in the romance addict's life is devalued, and everything outside the romance addict's life is over-valued.
   
   Married romance addicts are highly prone to having affairs... spouses cannot provide romantic fix because they live on the level of reality.
   
   
6. Adrenaline Junkies
   Romance addicts need more drama and excitement than is healthy. These people bungee-jump their way through life. The natural ebb and flow of life seems boring, and they seek excitement even if it comes from chaos and conflict.
   
   They will stir up drama in their relationships by obsessing over trivial issues (like not opening car door or saying I love you). They will pick fights, blow an argument out of proportion, or stimulate jealousy by openly flirting with others.
   
   If the relationship deteriorates before the Romance Addict is ready to let go, the drama may escalate. It might include obsessive phone calls, stalking, murder or suicide.

"Relationship Addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages."

CHARACTERISTICS

We need to define a few "buzzwords":

• Bottom-line Behaviors - A self-defined list of risky behaviors (sexual or emotional) that have become self-destructive, either due to the nature of the behavior itself or because the frequency or intensity of the behavior is out of control.
  
  
• Withdrawal - More than simply breaking up with someone, withdrawal in love addiction begins with a final surrender of the whole addictive pattern of behavior. It is a commitment made on a daily basis to refuse to engage in any of defined bottom line behaviors. If you are a therapist who is working with a love addict, try these techniques:

1.  IDENTIFY AND DEFINE THEIR HARMFUL BEHAVIORS

• Run through characteristics of love addiction as appropriate. This creates a template with which to compare client behaviors.
  
  
• Interview them. Ask them:
  
  
  • What are you doing that you would like to stop? What are you doing that others have told you is harmful or dangerous? Do you believe them? How do you know that these are harmful behaviors? How do you feel when you are doing them or after doing them? How are you feeling before you engage in the behavior?
    
    
  • Have them connect with the feelings produced by the behavior and the feelings that stimulate the behavior... the scary stuff, the icky stuff, the embarrassment, anxiety, guilt, etc
    
    
• Write down their bottom-line behaviors. Refer to their list, brainstorm a new list, or use SLAA's list to jog ideas. Can start with a few obvious ones and add to it as your client gets more clarity on their addictive behaviors.

Examples:

• Making compulsive phone calls to lovers
• Having sex outside of a committed, monogamous relationship
• Intriguing/flirting with married men/women
• Returning to painful, destructive relationships
• Breaking plans with girlfriends when a man calls for a date.

Best to do this with your client, because there is a huge inclination to design your bottom lines so that it won't hurt...it also won't work. You may hear, "But, doesn't everyone do that from time to time?" Your reply is..."Just as the alcoholic can't drink like other people, love addicts can't do some things that other people do with no repercussions."

2.  CONTRACT ON BOTTOM LINES

• Ask for agreement from the client to not act out on the defined bottom line behaviors. Remind them to recommit daily each morning and to assess and congratulate themselves for successes each evening.
  
  
• If forever language is scary, use a 30-90 day contract. This agreement dramatically decreases anxiety because it eliminates the question "Should I or shouldn't I?" for a specified period of time, allowing the client to turn their energies toward their self-work. Antabuse works this way for alcoholics...it's one decision, you don't agonize over right now, the answer is "No"...focus on something else until the day for renegotiation arrives.
  
  
• This tool comes from the 30-90 Day No-Contact Agreement, which is an SLAA tool for when a relationship is in great turmoil or has broken. A no-contact agreement states that neither you nor your partner will attempt to meet or call each other for a specified period of time. There will be no "accidental" meetings or "emergency" phone calls.

3.  PREPARE THEM FOR WITHDRAWAL

• ""Our sobriety did not really begin until the last reservation had been let go, and we gave up the right, for one day (or one hour) at a time to have one more encounter with our addiction"
  
  
• Normalize and prepare client for the feelings that will emerge... loneliness, pain, anxiety, fear and depression. Withdrawal is not fun. They will be detoxing, and there will be real symptoms.

4.  ASSEMBLE AND MOBILIZE CONNECTION WITH A SUPPORT SYSTEM

• Support and guidance is vital in a behavioral addiction, because the lines quickly get fuzzy when you're in pain. They must be defined very specifically and clients often need reality checks in the beginning.
  
  
• A counselor is a primary means of support, of course, but there is a 12-Step support group called SLAA that costs no money and meets daily in Tucson. When you work this program, which is similar to AA, you obtain a sponsor and a list of phone numbers of people who have been there and are willing to help you.
  
  
• Have them make a list of people in their lives who they think would be supportive and whom they are willing to tell about their plan. Have them ask these people if they would be available for them to call, visit or do activities with?

5.  DISCUSS REPLACEMENT BEHAVIORS

• Have them make a list of self-nurturing replacement activities...go to a meeting, call someone from support system, call sponsor, bubble bath, book, movie, walk.
  
  
• Read recovery books.
  
  
• Start a new hobby.

6.  INTERVENE ON DISTORTED THOUGHT PATTERNS

• Educate, identify and dispute:
  
  
  • Defenses... denial, justification, minimizing Black and White Thinking...if not this extreme, then this extreme Global Thinking/ Overgeneralization I'm always going to be alone.

7.  INTERVENE ON FAULTY BELIEF SYSTEM

• Once behaviors have ceased for a period of time and client is not medicating self, begin family of origin examination....genogram, tease out family secrets, see if you can find patterns of thought as well as behavior. What specific messages did you get about the family philosophy about yourself, other people and the world in general? How have these early messages translated into what you believe today?
  
  
• Discuss pay-off and trade-off of having those beliefs. How are my beliefs working for me? How are they not working?
  
  
• Dispute them..."where is the evidence?", "what if the worst happened, could I stand it?"

8.  FOCUS THEM ON THE GIFTS OF WALKING THROUGH THE PROCESS

• Remind them that eventually they will get better at sitting with their feelings and loneliness. They are learning to soothe and nurture themselves naturally and positively.
  
  
• They will strengthen ties with people whom they don't use for a fix.
  
  
• They will discover that they know themselves more intimately and trust themselves more fully. And, they will instinctively resist putting themselves in situations that could hurt them or compromise their values.
  
  
• Have someone talk to them who has already done some good S&L addiction recovery.

A love addict, in recovery for 6 years and now happily married, states that she maintains her recovery and respect for her partner by honoring boundaries...his and hers.

I happened across the name of an old lover in my phone book and had an immediate desire to call him...just to catch up and say, "Hi, how are you doing?" Red flags immediately went up... something I formerly would not have recognized as red flags and would have minimized, rationalized, and quickly dismissed as nonsense. I started down that path, saying "Why not? I certainly can call an old friend..." Then, I realized that we were not ever really friends...that the basis for our relationship was mostly sex and fantasy and that he was not ever emotionally available for a friendship. On top of that, the fact that he was a former lover would disturb my husband. I do have male friends that I may call without having my husband feel threatened in the slightest way, but they have not been lovers of mine. I realized that my husband and I had established these rules for feeling safe in our relationship...and my commitment to not break these rules, even if I could "get away with it" was how I honored my relationship and my value system. Rather than feeling deprived because I couldn't get a "hit" by talking to an old lover, I felt empowered in my recovery and very good about myself."

Out Of The Shadows - Carnes, Patrick, Ph. D.

Leaving the Enchanted Forest - Covington, Stephanie & Beckett, Liana

Women, Sex And Addiction - Kasl, Charlotte Davis, Ph.D

Addiction to Love - Peabody, Susan

Escape From Intimacy - Schaef, Anne Wilson

Facing Codependence - Mellody, Pia

Facing Love Addiction - Mellody, Pia

Obsessive Love - Forward, Dr. Susan

Women Who Love Too Much - Norwood, Robin