We call it sibling
rivalry. It sounds simple enough. My child
is jealous of her sibling. In fact there
are four distinct reasons why kids fight.
Identifying the reason will provide the
appropriate way to handle the situation.
Boredom
When things get dull, targeting little
brother is an easy and convenient way
to drum up some action. Child uses the
battle to distract him from whatever is
bothering him; hunger, heat or fatigue.
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- What works? Find out whether your
child is hungry, thirsty or uncomfortable
in any way. If she can't articulate the source
of her discomfort, redirect her by bring our
some snacks or changing the focus of the activity.
Competition
Children need to establish an identity separate
from the others in the family. Kids challenge
their sibs to find out who they are. They challenge
each other to impress themselves not their brothers
and sisters. By asserting themselves, they remind
themselves that they are competent. Budding identities
thrive on these feelings.
- What works? Provide the child with
attainable goals that fuel their sense of
self-worth. Little kids thrive on feeling
grown-up. By giving the child the chance to
compete against himself; he learns that he
can succeed without comparing himself to others.
Frustration
These fights are motivated by self-interest, little
children usually feel that it is better to have
too much of anything than too little. They must
learn that there is a limit to what they can demand.
Kids are also keenly aware of how much they receive
compared with their siblings.
- What works? Children can learn to
have realistic expectations. Set limits in
on demands just as carefully as you set behavioral
limits. Keep differences fair and to a minimum.
Give attention to each child regularly. Predictability
and structure minimize frustration.
Jealousy
If the child feels that she's losing your love,
She will strike out for what appears to be no
reason at all. It appears to be a random act of
hostility. Usually, however, this behavior is
a reflection of your child's feelings about you,
not her feelings about the target sibling.
- What works? Aggressive behavior demands
swift, consistent disapproval. Use short phrases
like "No hitting." Be sure that your voice,
facial expressions and gestures are sending
the same negative message. Avoid mixed messages.
The child learns the difference between "Daddy
is angry" and "Daddy is happy."
Later, when the child has calmed down, increase
positive cues such as softening the voice,
smiling and making eye contact. Do something
positive with the child.
React to positive behavior; don't
overreact to negative behavior. Be aware and attentive
while your child is behaving well. If your child
feels that negative behavior is the only way to
get your attention, he will misbehave. After all,
an angry mom is better than one who is paying
no attention to you at all. Be present and enjoy
your children. |
Marriage
& Relationships
