When Great Expectations Become Great Confrontations...

Those of us who make our living in mental health, and our cousins in law enforcement and criminal justice are all well aware of the increase in domestic violence incidents and arrests around the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. Although there are many extra stress factors (or "stress fractures") such as eating too many desserts, missed hours of sleep from late partying, or foregoing a fitness plan in order to fit in all the holiday social activities, most of the stress (and consequently the domestic disputes) comes from the fall-out of great expectations such as these:

1. I must be able to do everything
   You expect that all of your traditional holiday activities must continue, and there are some new ones that other people in your life are asking you to take on this year as well.
   
   
2. I must provide my family with the perfect holiday
   And, our standards for what the perfect holiday is has evolved and mutated into a sort of Norman Rockwell on crack that really requires superhuman powers (and finances) to pull off.
   
   
3. Everyone will gather together and be kind and loving to one another
   You expect that everyone will be at the Thanksgiving table on time, won't have to leave early, and will leave their annoying dinner habits at home. And, if there are family members who have been feuding, there is the belief that this holiday gathering will mend the wounds and heal the rift.
   
   
4. My family and friends will finally thank me for all my good work throughout the year and this holiday
   You expect that all of a sudden your husband will realize and be grateful that you've been cooking and cleaning in addition to holding down a full-time job. Or, that your wife will realize that the extra hours you've put in at work were for the family, and not just for you.

1. I must be able to do everything
   Who says? Tradition is one thing, insanity another. Set a limit as to how many parties you will attend and how many new events you are prepared to add. And think about delegating to other family members so that they too have a hand in preparing for the holiday.
   
   
2. I must provide my family with the perfect holiday
   Again, who said it was YOUR job to create the perfect holiday? Let other family members donate their ideas and time to what may not be a Norman Rockwell event, but will have greater shared meaning. Imperfection and humanity can be a beautiful thing, especially at the holidays. (How do you think America's Funniest Home Videos gets its material?)
   
   
3. Everyone will gather together and be kind and loving to one another
   Where's the evidence that THIS will happen? People are who they are and even those who attempt to be on their best behavior won't do it perfectly. Decide that you will accept and appreciate your family and friends for who they are now, today.
   
   
4. My family and friends will finally thank me for all my good work throughout the year and this holiday
   They might and they might not. If you keep score, you're bound to be disappointed, so try to do only that work for which you feel internally rewarded. And, if the compliments are expressed, they will be the icing on the cake.