By Lova G. Njuguna, M.C., N.C.C., L.P.C., L.I.S.A.C.

This is Part II of Understanding Boundaries - Click here to go to Part I

The best statement I ever heard describing healthy relationship boundaries is this:

I have to be willing to be in the relationship, and I have to be willing to not be      in the relationship.

1. Try to create intimacy with a narcissist.
   
   
2. See your partner as causing your excitement.
   
   
3. Live reactively since you are unclear about what you want.
   
   
4. Operate out of compliance and submission, and do favors that you inwardly resist (cannot say no)
   
   
5. Live hopefully, wishing and waiting for someone to change.
   
   
6. Focus on coping and surviving, with few hobbies or other self-directed activity.
   
   
7. Disregard your intuition because it gets mixed up with the wishes and opinions of others.
   
   
8. Are obsessed with your partners’ behavior.
   
   
9. Accept alibis from and make exceptions for your partner’s behavior that you would not tolerate in anyone else.
   
   
10. Believe you have no right to secrets.

1. Relate only to partners with whom mutual love is possible.
   
   
2. See your partner as stimulating your excitement.
   
   
3. Live actively, since you are clear about what you want and are always aware of your choices.
   
   
4. Operate out of agreement and negotiation, and only do favors you choose to do (can say no)
   
   
5. Live optimistically, collaborating with your partner on change.
   
   
6. Focus on thriving, with self-enhancing hobbies and projects.
   
   
7. Honor your intuition and distinguish it from the wishes and opinions of others.
   
   
8. Are observant of your partner’s behavior.
   
   
9. Have a consistent personal standard that flexes, yet asks your partner and everyone else for accountability.
   
   
10. Protect your private matters without having to lie or be surreptitious.

1. CHANGE THE LOCUS OF TRUST FROM OTHERS TO ONESELF.
   Love yourself enough to create your own safety. Other people are not the providers of your security. As an adult, you're not looking for someone you can trust absolutely. You acknowledge the margins of human failing and let go of expecting security. Trust yourself to be able to receive love and handle hurt, to receive trustworthiness and handle betrayal, to receive intimacy and handle rejection.
   
   
2. ASK DIRECTLY FOR WHAT YOU NEED.
   Connect with your preferences and tell people what they are. If you don’t tell them, how will they know? Declare your identity.
   
   
3. OBSERVE OTHERS’ BEHAVIOR TOWARD YOU. TAKE IT AS INFORMATION WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT IN THEIR DRAMA.
   Stand in a self-protected place in which you are separated from the influence of another’s seductive or aggressive power. Then, you can open yourself to that intuitive sense that lets you know when a relationship has become hurtful, abusive, or invasive.
   
   
4. MAINTAIN A BOTTOM LINE.
   You get to decide how much you will accept of what someone offers you or fires at you. Limit how many times you allow someone to say no, lie, disappoint or betray you before you will admit the painful reality and move on. Confront futureless relationships in which you continue to look for happiness where there is only hurt.

1. Control is about what you want the other person to do or not do. A boundary is about what you will do to take care of yourself.
   
   
2. The difference between attempting to control another and setting a boundary is whether the focus is on you (control) or on me (boundary).
   
   
3. A boundary is not a threat. It is taking a clear stand on which you are willing, able and determined to follow through, if need be.
   
   
4. Fundamental to the idea of boundaries is the concept that we all have choices. If the other person chooses not to respect your boundaries, you will need to state how you plan to respond (boundary action).
   
   
5. Setting a boundary has consequences for you as well as for the other party. When you set a boundary, you have a responsibility to do what you say you will do if that boundary is violated.

Control Statement

• I want you to stop getting drunk.

Boundary Statement

• I will not tolerate your being intoxicated around me or in our home.

Boundary Action Statement

• If you decide to drink, do not come home until you have sobered up.
• If you come to my house after drinking, I will ask you to leave.

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Control Statement

• I want you to stop drinking and driving.

Boundary Statement

• I will not ride in the car with you if you have been drinking.

Boundary Action Statement

• If you are arrested for DUI, I will not pay your bail or legal bills.

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Control Statement

• I want you to stop shouting at me.

Boundary Statement

• I will not tolerate verbal abuse.

Boundary Action Statement

• If you speak to me or act in a manner that feels threatening to me, I will ask you to leave or I will go home.

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Control Statement

• I want you to stop sleeping with other men (women).

Boundary Statement

• I choose to be in a monogamous relationship.

Boundary Action Statement

• If I have reason to believe that you are sexual with other persons, I will end the relationship with you.

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For more reading on boundaries, check the book by Anne Katherine: Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin.

Click here to go to Part I of this article