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| Healthy boundaries are flexible
and adapt to the situation...like a fence with a
gate or a house with windows and doors. Unhealthy
boundaries are either non-existent or rigid and
impervious...like a solid brick wall or a wide,
open space. |
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| Protecting boundaries protect us
from the universe so that we are not victims...much
like our skin protects our bodies from invasion
of foreign objects and impurities. Containing boundaries
contain us within ourselves, containing us from
the universe so that we are not offenders... much
like our skin and muscles contain our organs and
blood. |
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External
boundaries are about the body. They control distance
and touch. External boundaries are physical and
sexual.
Internal boundaries
are about the mind. They control thoughts, feelings,
beliefs and the behavior that evolves around them.
Internal boundaries are emotional, relational,
and spiritual. |
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Most often we think about the violation
of intrusion when we speak of boundaries. Intrusion
violation is about inappropriate closeness or intimacies
beyond accepted standards. When someone stands too
close, we feel that urge to take a step backwards.
When someone we don't know touches us, we may recoil
a bit in surprise or disgust.
A boundary violation that is less commonly used
can be just a devastating. Distancing violation
is about levels of closeness that are less than
what is appropriate to the role and relationship.
When a parent neglects their child, or when a married
couple spends too much time working on their independent
lives and forgets to talk to each other. |
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Passivity
allows others to invade our boundaries. In that
case, we become victims. We have faulty protecting
boundaries.
Aggressiveness causes
us to invade others' boundaries and we become
offenders. We have faulty containing boundaries
Assertiveness maintains
and respects the healthy protecting and containing
boundaries of us and of others. Assertiveness
is tough! Sometimes asserting your boundaries
may involve a heavier price than you want to pay.
Sometimes you try to compromise with someone who
is not willing to compromise. Sometimes the outcome
is out of your hands. You can't win all of your
battles, and the world is not always fair. You
may simply have to learn to live with some injustice
and find ways to survive. This is why 12-Step
programs use the Serenity Prayer:
GOD, GRANT
ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT
CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. |
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If
our Protecting boundaries are healthy, we react
if someone enters our personal space, gets too
close, or touches us without our permission.
If our Containing
boundaries are healthy, we don't violate someone
else's space by entering it, standing too close
to them, or touching them without first finding
out if that is OK. We ask others if it is OK to
give them a hug before doing so. Or, we resist
going through another's personal possessions.
Or, we knock on someone's door and gain their
permission before entering their room or home
Poor Physical Boundaries:
- Hitting, slapping, pushing, kicking, choking
- Destroying another's property
- Hugging or touching without permission
- Crowding or standing too close
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If our Protecting
boundaries are intact, we pick who we want to
interact with sexually and how we do that. We
don't do things that hurt us or that we feel uncomfortable
doing. We can make the choice to say "No" to having
sex with someone to whom we are not attracted.
If our Containing
boundaries are intact, we don't try to interact
sexually with someone who is not an appropriate
sexual partner or with someone who is not sexually
interested in us. We don't insist on having sex
if our mate resists. Or, we check out our mate's
willingness to try a new sexual practice.
Poor Sexual
Boundaries:
- Coercion or forcing sex
- Voyeurism or exhibitionism
- Lewd comments, sexual name-calling
- Grilling, questioning, accusing
- Attempting sexual contact with an innocent
or unaware person
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If
our Protecting boundaries are intact, we know
that others' feelings are about them and not about
us, thus we can allow others to have and express
their feelings. We are able to be with others
who are in pain without feeling responsible for
removing the pain.
If our Containing
boundaries are intact, we can identify, own and
express our feelings truthfully and moderately.
We are assertive and practice these behaviors:
- Take responsibility for our own feelings,
thoughts and behaviors.
- Ask directly for our wants and needs.
- Apologize for harming others.
- Allow others the right and responsibility
for their own feelings, thoughts and actions.
Counselors must constantly
use emotional boundaries in order to avoid taking
on the problems of their clients or attempting
to tell clients how to feel in a certain situation.
Counselors with poor emotional boundaries will
soon suffer from burnout and frustration.
Poor Emotional
Boundaries can be Passive or Aggressive:
Passive
- Feel controlled by other's feelings
- Ignore or don't express your own feelings
Aggressive
- Make others responsible for your feelings
- Tell others they "shouldn't feel that way"
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If
our Protecting boundaries are intact, we allow
others to practice their beliefs, and we can hear
them speak about their beliefs, but we do not
allow others to impose their beliefs on us. We
are assertive and can listen attentively to others
even when we do not agree with their beliefs.
We can accept differences between others and ourselves
as being OK.
If our Containing
boundaries are intact, we practice our beliefs
without shame or fear. We may tell others about
our beliefs, but we do not impose our beliefs
on them. We are willing to assert our right to
practice our beliefs without infringing on the
rights of others to do the same.
Poor Spiritual
Boundaries can be Passive or Aggressive:
Passive
- Denying beliefs for fear of rejection or
criticism.
Aggressive
- Belittling others who have different beliefs,
appearances or actions
- Advising others about their beliefs without
being asked.
Click
here to go to Part II of this article
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Marriage
& Relationships
A BOUNDARY IS A LIMIT THAT DEFINES YOU AS SEPARATE
AND UNIQUE FROM
OTHERS. 